Developing Culture: Conflict Resolution

Since adding a new student I have been keeping a close eye on on the students while they play. I don't direct or involve myself with their play (unless they are really struggling). I stay within earshot, monitoring conversations while I check on the garden or look at my lesson plans for the next day from a few feet away.

By being close, I can hear what is going on and jump in before conflicts escalate into something bigger. But this also means that I am hearing everything they are talking about, and I have to be care about choosing when to jump in and when to let them work things out on their own. Not always the easiest decision to make!

When I hear something I don't like I pause before I jump in. I go back to our school values, not just my personal preferences. If it doesn't break one of our values (respect, team work, kindness, growth) then I let it play out. That has been an important skill for me to develop as an adult, parent, and educator, and it hasn't come easily. I was raised to believe that there is a certain way to talk to adults and around adults. There was a way that girls should behave and a way that boys should behave. Certain people were considered good while others were bad, and you didn't want to be bad! I don't want to bring those past beliefs and ways of looking at the world into my interactions with the kids today, so this pause, and look back at our values is a critical step.

At Fáilte Waldorf Microschool, we value respect, teamwork, kindness, and growth. If what they are doing isn’t breaking one of those, then I take a breath and go back to listening while doing some busy work.

But let's talk about a time when it does break one of those values.

Today, the kids were in a new pool we had bought, and the hose was on. One child, we will call him José, wanted the hose, but another child, we will call him Kevin, had it. José asked nicely for the hose, but Kevin didn’t respond. José yelled, “Give me the hose!” Kevin didn’t respond and kept playing happily. José then grabbed the hose and ripped it out of Kevin’s hands.

You can guess what happened next. Kevin started yelling, “Hey! I wasn’t done with that! Give it back!” José got that little righteous look on his face and said, “You took too long and I was supposed to get it first anyway!”

Clearly, this is not going to end peacefully, and knowing these two children, I knew it would end one of two ways: quickly devolve into name-calling and yelling, or Kevin gives in and José learns that he can just take what he wants from Kevin and win (this has happened before).

Time to step in.

But how do I do it? First off, I don’t come in mad or with any emotion at all. I come in as a firm and calm authority. And that is exactly what I want to exude. Even if I am not sure how this situation is going to work out, they don’t need to know that. I want them to feel that I am in control and that no matter what happens, I am going to stay in charge.

I also don’t come in thinking one child is wrong and another is right. José shouldn’t have ripped the hose out of Kevin’s hand, but Kevin shouldn’t have ignored José’s request. And clearly, both José and Kevin don’t realize they are in a safe space where their needs can be met by working together. They don’t need to resort to demanding and hoarding resources to get what they want. Neither child is bad, they just haven’t learned. This is all part of the process of being in a new school. We are building a new culture.

When I walk up to them, I talk loud enough to interrupt whatever part of the drama they are in (this usually means I have to raise my voice… but again, not angry, just assertive). If there is a particularly coveted item in play, I will often take the item into my hands, assuring them I will give it back when we are done talking (this is so that they aren’t hyper-focused on who has the item while we are talking). This time, I walked up, got their attention by raising my voice, and said, “I am going to take the hose for a moment while we talk.”

From here, I could tell them it’s “bad” to take things out of someone’s hands… but why? Why is it bad to do that? Do I want to teach them not to be bad for the sake of not being bad?

I could tell them if they take something out of someone’s hands again, then they will get no popsicle at the end of the day. But then they will still do it, but they will wait until my back is turned, and then they will lie to me and say they didn’t do it. And then what am I teaching them? If Jennifer catches you doing something she doesn’t like then she takes something away… don’t trust authority? Am I addressing their actual needs? Wants? Feelings?

I could also say each person gets the hose for 5 minutes. But then I would be managing their play, they wouldn’t learn the important interpersonal skills, how to advocate for themselves, or speak up for what they need, and would begin to rely on things being fair (and, I’m sorry to say, life isn’t fair).

Instead, I gave them a scenario:

Let’s imagine I was playing a video game and Kevin walked up to me and wanted to play it and ripped it out of my hands.

Then next time Kevin is playing, I decide I really want to play the video game. What am I going to do? – They all answered: rip it out of his hands!

Yep, and then every time I see Kevin walk by while I am playing my video game, what am I going to do? I am going to be worried he’s going to take it from me. – Not so fun (this part they didn’t respond to - but I knew it was getting in there).

Okay, let’s try something different.

What if I was playing a video game and Kevin walked up and asked if he could play and then I replied that I was almost done but needed a few more minutes. And then I ACTUALLY gave it to him a few minutes later? (Crickets from the kids - they were getting a little antsy now, but it’s okay for them to get uncomfortable.)

Then, what if, a couple of hours later, I see Kevin playing and I decide I really want to play. What am I more likely to do? Rip it out of his hands? Or ask? (Ask) And is he more likely to refuse or say, 'sure, just give me a few minutes?'

Now that was all the serious talk their little minds could handle; one of them yelled, “CAN WE HAVE THE HOSE BACK NOW?!”

I gave it back, and they had no more fights, taking turns on their own.

Will we have another problem? Guaranteed. Did they learn this lesson to their core? No, not yet, but I know some of it got in there and got them thinking.

It will take time, and it will probably take more time than if I gave them an M&M every time they shared or punished them every time they took something from the other. But I am not out to have compliant students. I am committed to having a community of capable, confident, compassionate children. That takes time, patience and respect.

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At Fáilte Waldorf Microschool, we believe in the power of nurturing and guiding children through their conflicts, rather than simply managing their behavior. If you want to learn more about our approach and see how it can benefit your child, reach out to us today. Let's work together to create a brighter future for our children.