I recently had a conversation with a parent who was exploring different school options for her child. She mentioned being concerned about a zero tolerance policy for physical aggression at school she was considering. Her worry wasn’t that her child is typically aggressive, but that in a moment of overwhelm or being taunted, he might instinctively push a child—and that could lead to him being expelled, leaving her back at square one.
At Fáilte Waldorf Microschool, we don’t believe in a zero tolerance policy.
Now, I know what you might be thinking: Isn’t a zero tolerance policy supposed to be in the best interest of all children? I used to think so, too, before I became a parent. But now, with years of experience working with children, teens, and parents, I’ve realized that this kind of policy can actually perpetuate many of the problems we see in our society instead of addressing them.
Let me explain why.
Understanding the Child’s Perspective
Imagine you’re 7 years old. You’re full of energy and excitement about everything—life, friends,
being outside, running -- always running, jumping, and video games. You can’t wait to share all your of your excitement with your friends at school. You run up to them (why walk when you can run... actually why not tackle them), tackle them in excitement, and start talking a mile a minute about all the things on your mind.
But your friends don’t seem interested. They’re talking about something else and don’t want to listen. Suddenly, all that excited energy has nowhere to go. It turns into frustration, hurt, and anger, but you don't really have words for those feelings, instead its this hot bubbling feeling that runs all the way from your stomach to your hands, and before you know it, you shove the closest friend out of sheer emotional overwhelm.
Now your friend is on the ground crying, the teacher is upset with you, and you’re told that what you did was wrong. You apologize, because you are supposed to, and you have a consequence like no recess. In a zero tolerance school, you might even be expelled.
What Lessons Are Being Learned?
In that scenario, what did you learn? You might learn to be scared of adults when you’re upset. You might decide that being mad and frustrated is bad, so you should never feel those emotions. You might even conclude that friends don’t care about you and only get you in trouble, so it’s better not to have them. You could decide that getting too excited is bad. Maybe you learned to be more sneaky and only push people when adults aren't around. Who knows!
This might sound extreme, but over my years of working with children-adults, these are exactly the types of decisions that we make as kids and carry on into adulthood.
What did you really need to learn in that moment? You needed to learn how to manage your emotions when you felt disappointed. You needed to understand how to cope when your friends weren’t paying attention to you. You needed to practice putting yourself in their shoes before assuming they weren’t interested in what you had to share.
A Different Approach: Fáilte Waldorf Microschool
Now, let’s imagine this scenario plays out at Fáilte. Your friend is on the ground crying, and I come over. I start by making sure your friend is okay, and then I ask both of you what happened. But I don’t stop there—I ask you both to share not just what happened, but what you were thinking and feeling in that moment.
You get to hear that your friend wasn’t ignoring you; they were just focused on something else. And your friend gets to understand that you weren’t trying to be mean—you were just so excited and then felt disappointed when they didn’t respond.
Both of you get to feel heard and validated, and then we talk about how to fix the situation or what to do differently next time.
Your feelings are validated, and it's made clear that putting your hands on someone is never acceptable without their permission. You are a good person who made a mistake.
The Long-Term Benefits
By tolerating all behaviors, all emotions at Fáilte Waldorf Microschool, children learn about boundaries, emotions, and respect in a way that acknowledges their full humanity. We don’t rely on punitive consequences or reward systems. Instead, we take the time to guide children through understanding their actions and the impact they have on others.
This approach might take longer for behavior changes to occur, but when they do, they are authentic and long-lasting. These lessons stick with children, helping them grow into adults who understand boundaries, consent, and healthy relationships.
And to me, that is far more important than simply having a group of compliant children. It’s about raising individuals who can navigate the world with empathy, respect, and a deep understanding of themselves and others.
Tips for Parents & Caregivers: How to Apply This Approach at Home
The process that I follow is comes from training I have done in Restorative Justice. You can find plenty of resources online about this topic. But this is how I go about it:
Always comfort the person who was hurt first - in a situation where someone was hurt by someone else, address the person who was hurt first.
They deserve your attention first, not the poor behavior. As you ask each of these questions: the other person will get a chance to speak so they don't get to interrupt, also I don't let this child say mean things or dramatic things like "He was trying to ruin everything!" This is time for just what happened. This happened, then this happened, then this happened.
Ask them to tell you what happened
What were you thinking when you realized what happened?
What have you thought about since?
Then I switch to the child who made the mistake and ask the same question following the same rules - the other child can't interrupt and no dramatizing or unkind words even if you are upset.
Ask them to tell you what happened
What were you thinking when you realized what happened?
What have you thought about since?
What do you think we could do to fix this situation or
What do you think we could do moving forward to make sure this doesn't happen again (or help this go more smoothly next time)?
Comments