Dealing with Tough Behaviors

Through Story

When I am facing a challenging behavior with a child, that I just can't seem to get past, especially behavior that has emotion behind it, I turn to stories.

Last school year, I found myself struggling to get my 7, 8, and 9-year-olds constantly clashing, and trying to talk to them about the impact of their the way they treat each other was not making a bit of different. In a moment of inspiration, I turned to picture books from the library and was surprised to find these older kids sitting in rapt attention, captivated by tales of frustrated squirrels fighting over a nut or children arguing over a treehouse being a castle or a pirate ship.

I have to admit I was shocked that they were so into the picture books, and didn't complain that they were "for babies." I was not so surprised at how quickly they also became comfortable discussing the characters' emotions in ways they would never talk about their own. When I asked them what the characters were feeling at different points in the story, they found it easier to articulate those feelings than they did their own. After a week of reading and discussing these stories, I noticed a significant shift in how my students began to handle their emotions at school. They started using phrases and concepts we had discussed in relation to the books.

This experience, though surprising, is backed by research. When a person directly confronts their own struggles, it can trigger defensive mechanisms that make it harder to engage with those issues. However, when they hear about someone else's experience, it creates a sense of distance, reducing the perceived threat and making it easier for them to relate to and reflect on the situation.

This concept is further supported by findings in cognitive neuroscience, which suggest that the brain is more open to learning and processing information when it is not directly under threat. Stories about others allow people to engage with difficult topics without triggering the same level of personal defensiveness or stress, making it easier to internalize and learn from those experiences.

Let’s put this into context with a real-life example. Imagine a student, let's call him Kai, who starts acting out after a new, older student joins the school. Kai really likes this new student and wants to impress him, especially since the new student is knowledgeable about cool things like video games and YouTube (do kids these days even say the word cool anymore?!). Kai quickly figures out that one way to gain this new student's approval is by putting down other kids, and despite feeling conflicted, he does it because it works. The new student laughs, and Kai feels momentarily successful, even though it doesn’t sit right with him.

As the teacher, I see what's happening and intervene. But Kai is overwhelmed by a swirl of emotions—excitement, fear, nervousness, embarrassment—and isn’t able to articulate what he is doing or why at this time, so talking about it is really pointless. After trying a few different interventions with little success, I decided to hit the library.

I found a book that, while not a literary masterpiece, told a story very similar to Kai's situation. It was about a unicorn that is trying to impress everyone at school, ultimately messing things up, and feeling so terrible that he doesn’t want to go back to school. In the end, his friends visit him and tell him, "Yeah, you were really annoying, but we still love you."

When I read this story to the group, Kai immediately connected with it, exclaiming, "That's what happened to me yesterday!" This moment didn’t solve all the problems, but it was a crucial step in the right direction. It got Kai talking, which is often the hardest part.

It was impactful for another child to read The Wild Robot (a chapter book about a robot adapting on a tropical island) during a time when they were changing schools and feeling like they didn't belong. The beauty of using stories is that they don’t always have to come from a picture book. They can be tales you tell, a chapter from a novel, or even a personal story from your own childhood. Each of these stories offers a way for the child (or even an adult) to process what they're dealing with without directly confronting their personal struggles.

Yes, that's right, this even works on adults. Now, I don't recommend reading a book about unicorns to your husband the next time he has a problem at work. But when we talk through our problems with our friends and family we are not only processing what we are going through but we are helping them do the same.

Next Steps for Parents/Care Givers

1. What behavior are you running into over and over again that has some kind of emotional charge behind it? This is likely a behavior that you have tried talking to the child about but they don't seem to process what you are saying at all.

2. Is there an example from your life where you went through something similar that you can share with your child? From the life of another trusted adult?

3. Search on the internet for books about that topic - there are so many great ones out there these days it's amazing what you can find

4. Read the book, tell the story to your child and talk about it along the way. Ask questions like - "What do you think she was feeling when that happened?" "What would you have done if that was you?"

   
   

So, the next time you’re having difficulty addressing an issue with a child, consider reaching for a story. It might just be the key to unlocking a conversation that needs to happen.